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I am not an environmentalist. Definitely not a member of the EFG.
Perhaps I have mentioned before but I want my “I do not care about the environment” shirt.
Mainly because it is hypocritical. The spotlights and sound for an Earth Day concert probably will take up a lot of electricity. And everyone who has celebrated earth hour will go back to sleep in the aircon after feeling so warm.
Most champion imho, is to go to share the free aircon and lights and electricity at a shopping mall while leaving everything at home dark.
*****
Environmentalism reminds me of something.
Making people do less rational things and sacrifices to an unknown and uncertain possibility.
Now there is even a concert in the front, a speech and then a donation bag to go around to collect money for conservation funds (and more importantly to pay for the speaker’s and the environmentalists salary all in the name of saving the earth!)
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No I do not believe that we can save the earth. I do also think that it is more important to save people rather than trees. No I do not believe that anything can be done. Giving money has no effect against profit hungry corporations. We as tiny individuals are unable to do anything and even if we do, it comes at too large a cost.
Call me a pessimist, call me a cynic. But the reality (and you know it!) is that there is nothing we can do. And we have better things to do.
Turning off your lights for one hour (only to replace it with a concert) is most hypocritical and merely a superficial symbolic act.
*****
PHOTO POST AHEAD
Speaking of conservation, I took these photos and emailed them to my discipline master.
Branding my minicom to cover up the Eee. This kid has 6 hour battery life and is small and light.
The multipurpose vitasoy to stuff tea sachets beside my personal roompot.
And used to store the relics of my glorious past (the actual amount fill a larger box). If i were to decipher the cards, I could perhaps rediscover what was arguably my peak which can probably be never seen again.
(Note that I did dispose of all these eventually after the photoshoot)
And i ended off,
Conservation is more than using the Recycle Bin — it is a way of life.
I sort of miss taking vitasoy. Havent had any since Lent. I can’t wait to break the damn fast.
I also miss tea. The photos seem to reflect the things ive been deprived of and longing after because of Lent.
But who cares, I have substitute Crackberry Juice ><
By some strange coincidence, I decided not to go home too early yesterday and instead hung around. I also decided not to stay on too late to go look for my math/tok teacher (which on hindsight I should have)
Leading me to run into my ho on the way out by some strange coincidence.
*****
On expectations.
If you have high expectations, they will be easily crushed.
If you have low expectations, you will be more easily pleased.
This I have been aware of for a long while.
What I didn’t know was-
“And even if your expectations are met – you will just increase them and never be happy.”
In a very zen fashion, perhaps the best is not to have any.
******
“I don’t look forward because I can’t read the future,
and I don’t look backward because I can’t remember”
Or so I would like to convince myself. Of late I have been increasingly careful and questioning the difference between “what I think I am”, “what others think I am”, “what I want to be” and “what I really am”. The first and third are easily confused. The second is seldom known. and the fourth requires deep thought.
*****
I am convinced that the supposedly screwedup/slaromic people are morally and intellectually superior than the conformist – through their flexibility and depth of thought. And perhaps less boring — being less conventional.
(I am aware that I have a bias on this issue though.)
*****
Had I chose not to relinquish my responsibilities, I would not have had a free friday every week to engage in frivolous activities which are essential for my personal growth and well-being. Certainly, it was more enjoyable and relaxing. Arguably, it might have been more intellectually stimulating than that Cramped Room!
Ever since the MOFo comp ended, I declared every friday to be work-free and reserved for recreation. This is a Key Principle. All work can be pushed to the weekends. Surely at least a human being deserves one day of rest right -_-
Considering how long it has been, it was an afternoon well-spent. Sigh.
I am extremely surprised that I was picked out (three out of the cohort) to say good things with something at stake. This might perhaps be misplaced trust.
You know how I am usually la.
Surprised the dear elegant duchess didn’t get it.
****
I actually wonder if the people in charge know about my general attitude. (I think my PCT knows since she laid down demands ><)
But perhaps they also know that I am no moron especially when important people are around and won’t do anything which I won’t benefit from and there is no point in me in being negative
*****
I have been trying to indoctrinate myself temporarily. My duty as an entrusted representative -_-
In the process, I think I know the 6 messages better than anyone.
*****
Of course I didn’t say anything bad. I’d otherwise be strangled. (with such circumstances, i couldn’t have asked for a bribe)
Hence I said very little. Mostly, factual (i.e. about MAS and what is being done) with no evaluation attached.
“Yes, I believe we stay in a safe and stable place. Our leadership ensures our security at all costs.”
Nothing bad. Nothing bad at all. This line got Nods meaning I win.
****
Though I must admit, I did not lie about anything. Two-faced people are usually referred to be pretentious.
I have transcended that to be two-headed in some sense. I actually can believe in both views at different times.
(Much like how I think there can be reasons to like someone and dislike someone. both views can be valid. All depends on circumstances.)
Ah damn my past five years of training and what it has done to my head — to examine everything frm both viewpoints, realise the two neutralise each other and I end up apathetic since whichever/neither really matters.
*****
What is the purpose of organising this? Was it for a C.Servant to please his superiors to show that they’re doing something? Is this an accurate gauge?
More importantly, what becomes of it when we have a rehearsal for it. Am I the only one reminded of the way the Soviet factories met their quotas?
damn, this thing ate into my history and break. (WHY COULDNT IT HAVE BEEN…)
*****
Though from one honest point of view, I am generally unaffected and not very dissatisfied with anything.
Apart from having to waste my time for two years.
Forget scholar ossifer genamen,
all they want is Scorer, Qualifier, Achiever. (and “to be the best in the WORLD”)
*****
The Christian ought to bear in mind that the underlying principle of love is more important than discriminating others for sin in an all-so-self-righteous sense, much like the Pharisees.
***
What have we become, seriously. Whatever, i do not believe in mindless loyalty to any Body.
the perfect question to ask during the council selection imho
“which one of you aren’t here for the nice CV please shamelessly step forward and explain”
(this is second best to “if there was one person you would like to neg vote on this stage, who would it be”)
Too bad I was sick and fighting my fever when the interview was going on.
****
Why so serious? What’s up with the council nominees this year they are really enthusiastic and doing a lot more than last year.
Are they really all that geared up to be CV-hos?
It’s not a pleasant job i’d think. Why would people gun for more work and responsibility?
(Or rather why else) These people are too driven. Something is not right — surely it can’t be just some vague notion like passion and spirit which really mean nothing right?
The King of Siam shall now prophetically state that there shall be even more parlour-tricking within council.
****
An Indian Democracy is where the poor and greedy villagers get paid to vote.
It is disturbing that people are giving out sweets, brownies, bookmarks, cards so that people will vote for them without telling us what they will actually do for us.
But even if they were to, i suspect it won’t be much. Not much can be done after all.
****
To win my vote, frankly, it’s quite simple — just get me foolscap or my blank jotter books.
Brownies and chocolates and cookies come in close second. (GOOD ONES that is)
I managed to ho off two files from one of them (24, she made me memorise). co-ho got Five.
To fail, get me an ugly useless sticker or bookmark or card.
To really fail, buy a truckload of stale cheap burgers in an attempt to flaunt arrogance and wealth and to buy votes in a last ditch attempt for not doing naything for the past few days.
Essential question: What do these have to do with being a good councillor?
****
How I will be voting:
Most people will probably vote in the hottest people -_- Tall, nice to look at — the sort of people they would hit on. (pft, some way of selection) and I am predicting that they will probably get in as well. Even the people on top like and have a good impression of nice to look at people — even if they are CV hos. It is a fact of life.
I may hence neg-vote people whom I heard bad stuff about. In general, I will probably neg those who have come into close encounter with me before but for valid reasons imho. Probably neg the jock-beng-moron-asshole base also.
And I will be reserving my votes for sympathy sake — the council is bound to need a PRC (stands for Public Relations Councillor) to do all the saikang AND the work.
Unlike most, i will not be neg-ing people based on ugliness, race or manliness.
****
Disclaimer: Do note that the above do not apply to people my year as I have great faith in the councillors my year because I know and trust them. I am aware of this bias but trust is all about bias and being willingly ignorant.
Perhaps I do have some nice things to say, but I’m not inclined to (in general), at the risk of sounding unintentionally hypocritical.
Nothing more important to me for the week to come than my three pieces of medical documents. I should make a photocopy soon. They are essential for my biggest siam of all. and not like it is invalid (i might be though) I will need to pray and also might need to think of some cunning way to get through.
my hopes is to get it approved and confirmed all on wednesday itself before napfa starts on thursday.
In the instance where it doesn’t get through for some reason, then just suck thumb lor, which i am actualyl fine with.
Pity im actually missing lessons that are useful. Argh.
So far, so good though. So far, so good.
*****
At the risk of sounding the way I know I’m sounding, note that nobody can risk sounding like me unless they scheme and gloat about how they found a way around and out of something and not a way up to get something.
lol, shaw is now incapacitated. In some sense, it might actually be a good thing. The illness is making him a lot more tame, docile and perhaps even more likeable =P
He does seem to be in quite deep shit though. Not as bad as the shit i went through that Thursday but his has lasted for an entire week. Mainly because someone thick skin and wants to self medicate. I on the other hand got better because of self medication — and truth be told, I wouldn’t be able to take the panadol based medicine the doctor prescribes anyway. Then again my self medication involves risking OD ><
Maybe he has some idea of how it feels like to be me on a normal day -_-
Then again, shaw isn’t shaw without the energy and thickskinnedness. (actually the thickskinnedness still hasn’t gone away) Hence, get better soon anyhow. (and see a doctor la goodness)
****
On a completely unrelated note, we are aware that we always have had a problem when it comes to the number three instead of the number two. It complexificates the dynamics.
And as much as he wants to revert things, I am too lazy and too bothered with not wanting the Past to repeat itself that I am not going to do anything. Of course I can, with my bag of Hidden Techniques, but I won’t. Upon a long while of thinking, this is probably why I find politicking distasteful and am too prideful to partake in it.
Besides, my supreme overlord vice Sloth dictates that I do nothing in this situation — changing the situation will only increase my workload. This I do not want.
I have a theory:
Would I be right to say that if a person constantly praises others for a particular aspect such as beauty, intelligence, efficiency and such — it is because the person values that aspect and deems it as a praise to have and hence that aspect is what he is concerned about and desires.
(I constantly praise your piano playing skills because i desire that and want to be able to play well also. I think it is a good praise and I want to be praised that way also)
Also, praise can be interpreted as a reflection of how one’s inadequacies. the person may view himself to be less fulfilled in that aspect — praise is only given to others when they are better at that aspect.
(I wouldn’t say that you can play the piano very well unless i think you play it better than me)
Alternatively, he is merely being polite and uses it to make conversation and sadly, that is all the person knows you for — that aspect.
(I only praise your piano playing skills because I only know that you’re a pianist. No idea about you as a person in any other area.)
Or perhaps, he is there with the intention of obtaining something because of that aspect you possess. In other words, outright flattery.
(I only praise your piano skills because I want you to teach me how to play or play for me)
Do note that when i say praise, i meant honest praise and not praise with the purpose of comforting as they do not reveal intentions.
(“You don’t play the piano that bad” sort of comforting)
I have no idea. I don’t praise people much, if at all. Maybe I shouldn’t be too cynical about people’s intentions. Regardless of the intentions, i am aware that praise is something sought after by many somehow and has a feel good to it.
No, this post is not about any pianists i know. Nor can I play the piano. its just a random example, really.
****
On an unrelated note, just because I know something does not mean that I have to show how much i know.
Is it worse that i cannot meet you today because-
A) I am a lazy bum and I am in the midst of myselfday
B) I am amidst my usual busyness and tight schedule spending time with people whom I might not (or haven’t yet) spent a lot of time with
Is it then asshole or kind for me to not tell you which it is and to instead ask you to believe which ever will make you happier?
Which of the above is more likely that i was occupied with tho- (imho equally likely)
****
Side advertisement:
40 cents blank jotter books are more practical than your expensive $3 notebooks.
But thats just my opinion — i am clearly biased as they are lighter and easier to carry around and can be bought in bulk. My six jotter books are still cheaper than your single notebook!!
********
The week as a ho:
I think my mentor was high the other day in the morning when I handed up my EE, talking about how we don’t really have holidays and how I shouldn’t work too hard. I told him not too worry cos I wouldn’t.
Indeed I haven’t. I am glad to say that contrary to his expectations, i actually had a holiday — which can be viewed as a whole now. Overall with plenty of myself time and seeing people whom I usually won’t see (or haven’t for a long while) — even by coincidence. Interestingly there is only one person whom i’ve metmore than once during this holiday (tho largely out of reasons for work but nonetheless). All else the time was distributed.
I am also glad that I did not waste my week on the attrition of work, starting only on thursday, settling 5/6 of the shit list before the weekend (leaving The Port)
I suppose — it’s a week of “many first times”. Though the statement might apply to a lesser extent for me, but still somewhat true — at least if you add a “in a long while” at the end.
Strange that while shaw (and probably some others) would find this lifestyle to be “banal and inconsequential“, i find that there is nothing greater than nothing.
“But lloyd, can you look back one day and said that you done something?”
“Yes, I will look back one day and say that I have done something — and that is I did nothing.”
The pope caused an uproar by telling the HIV stricken Africans not to use condoms. Personally, I think that religious beliefs should only go so far and should not go to the extent of imposing upon the lives of others especially when it comes to something life threatening. The Pope should be able to speak on behalf of religious authority but is in no position to offer a factual judgment — how could the use of condoms possibly increase the risk of AIDS? Continuing to press for “abstinence only” is flawed, what happens when abstinence fails then? Furthermore, if the bottom line is about saving lives then condoms should be used to combat AIDS. Not using them results in more death (unless you count every single sperm….)
But this is beside the point. Great stupidity usually already incurs great uproars. There is already enough criticism of the statement.
My stand is: just use it. Especially so in Africa. But i have further suggestions to supplement.
1. Catholic Condoms! Condom boxes with the photo of the Pope or Mary, “GOD IS WATCHING” “EVERY SPERM IS SACRED” Yes yes! like a cigarette box and its photographs. Which leads me to wonder if condoms are sold in the Vatican…. Better still, sell them at high prices because of TITHE TARIFFS. This should get to sinfest. or WORSE, handout punctured condoms to give life a chance! Be thankful I am not some high ranking priest. The things I will do for the things I believe in!
2. Just go for confession after you use. If people can lie, get angry, steal and be absolved by going for confession, why not they do the same here?
3. I have discussed with my catholic companion — apparently as long as the other person is non catholic and uses condoms that will do. (flawed logic la -_-)
4. Just pray you don’t get AIDS — but thats like not seeing a doctor when you’re ill…
5. Don’t use condoms, eat more beet root. Conventional African wisdom, din ya ma teach ya?
and as i said, no one has persecuted Christians more than the Church.
In the Matrix, it was the red pill that brought the dynamic changes and brought Neo into reality.
I always thought it was the blue pill for two reasons.
1. The Blue ocean strategy! which is meant to be a dynamic form of change and a mark of creativity. I have a feeling the real blue ocean strategy might be different from what we’re told. We are probably getting a very filtered description of BoS where anything and everything that has been done is BoS. So perhaps, the blue pill might mean stagnancy and illusion. (ILLUSION!)
2. Blue pill is symbol of Rising Power!
These are used by the CIA to bribe older members of society in Afghanistan for information btw =P
3. Hrm, we should start having Blue Ocean Pills. I still want my BLUE OCEAN STRATEGY t- shirt.
Take Six Daily. One for each subject.
*****
If i found out that reality sucked, I’d just take the Illusion and never-ending dream anyway.
Why bother waking up? TAKE MORE PILLS
Because happy delusions are better than unhappy realities (:
I tend to have this belief that people who already get a lot of attention wouldn’t need my attention. The more they yearn for attention, the more I’d rather them get it elsewhere. Perhaps its my nonconformist streak.
***
As expected “March Holidays are a time where everyone will break Lent”, so far I have been right.
and aptly, after telling that to people, I myself broke lent when I was out the other day (because of a reflex action)
Shan’t bother keeping it anymore — once broken is broken. This is the SECRET SECRET Lent which i refuse to tell anyoe about (and no it does not involve pr0n, computer, my hands or the organ)
However I have three other ones to keep till Easter.
Was fun while Lent lasted (and more fun breaking it early I think.) Though i would have prolonged my Lazy Fun if i did keep it all the way.. hrm
(:
Mr A says I’m like a typical married man, a fast forward of everything.
Not quite sure what this means and what made him say so, but i have this slight funny feeling that its not exactly a good thing ><
Perhaps perhaps.
Not that my mindset is old-fashioned and traditional — clearly my thinking is quite unconventional, to the extent of being shocking. Nor am i that mature.
Just ahead of my time possibly — i wouldn’t expect a youth with the same lack of age and experience in things in general to have the same cynicism and boredom.
This was a weekend with a lot of time spent by myself, moving by myself, eating by myself, bumming by myself . To the extent that I called pizza hut for drumlets and just drumlets since my family conveniently left me home alone much to my gleeness.
Bummery may very well be the only “Way Within” and crucial for self realisation. All hail the philosopher idlers.
Ironically, it was this weekend where I wanted something I usually wouldn’t give much thought about.
****
Calling Pizza hut:
“name please?”
“David” (since they are BOUND to ask me how to spell lloyd for sure.)
“eh, how to spell?” (WTFWTFWTF -___-)
“John then.”
Next time, I’m Mr. Lee.
(though it is tempting to be Vader, Genghis, Muhammed and vinderveloo — only to see a chinese guy.
There’s this joke that if you stone hard enough during chapel, you can see the face of jesus in the audi ceiling.
Huh, really ah? How is this Jesus? Why do people assume that a random bearded man will necessarily equals Jesus? Perhaps if a Muslim saw this he would think that it is the face of their prophet, but he wouldn’t – not because it might not resemble, but because they don’t jump to conclusions as quickly. Heck, the Jesus in paintings which form our common perception of Jesus might not even be accurate. Majority of our european painters have never seen the King of the Jews. They didn’t even depict him as Jew, but instead portrayed him as blonde and blue hair. Maybe its their fault Hitler didn’t know Jesus was a jew!
“We should kill the Jews, they killed Jesus!”
“Heil Hitler! But Jesus is a Jew also.”
“WTF?! Lies, he’s Aryan! Get the pope to write a new bible again or something“
Perhaps some random cult will say thats the face of their random cult leader. After all, we see things not as they are but as we are. (I hint strongly)
Not that I am disrespectful or anything, but get some sense la. In fact, it is more disrespectful to pass off anything and everything with slight semblance as “the face of jesus”. It is because of these things that a sense of ridicule is created. It could be very well be the Face of Uncle Bob. Okay la, if your virgin mary statue starts “bleeding” or nuns start experiencing pains in the palms, but this?!
While being Christian, I have still retain some skepticism about the overly ritualistic, legalistic, religious and the plain stupid. (It is in such a state, I realise that I am on a tightrope of potential contradictions)
On a side note: it will be a Lolz moment for the priest if… “eh, its the face of Jesus!” then he drops the cushion and the face goes away.
The purpose of this post is to brag how I am an undeserving bastard (and I would like to give all credit to God for putting me at the right place and the right time for no more hardworking or intelligent person could get this)
Basically, there has been a mega queue for a certain exhibition with tickets for the day supposedly sold-out.
Me, being me, cbf to queue and join crowds and fight with everyone as usual.
so i decided to settle for the “video screening” at the basement instead.
lo and BE HO, it eventually becomes the venue for the exhibition instead. And because some old folks got impatient, I got good seats right in the front. So I thank God for given this to me.
Then there was this point in time, where I had suspicions that the people who had been queueing would be given priority for this venue and we might be asked to vacate the venue — which left me with five minutes to think up a cunning plan to stay. (Basically, the cripple really wants to see the exhibition but can’t come back tomorrow cos of a medical check and i’ll approach a 40 year old woman to plead.)
“But but, what about those people who queued for more than hour with the irritating crowd? (and probably been to church more than you/done QT everyday!)”
I give a shit is it. If I had to earn it, I get a nice place in jail now. All I know is I had favour and it made my day. I can’t actually remember if i prayed for a place despite the crowd, but i probably did in the morning given -who- was around.
Is it screwedup that I give credit to God? If it is, then I won’t. I’ll just gloat and give credit to mother luck and go ahead with whatever I have been doing anyway! Big difference -_-
***
The rest of the day however involved me beating the queue by sneaking into places I didn’t have tickets for. This was done by staying close to a family with young kids and 40yearoldish parents to pretend I was with them.
And then I met my DPP friend in the evening — arguably the main reason i even bothered with this.
***
In line with my school spirit and motto, this was a “blue ocean strategy”. Yeah just that strategies usually foresee things, this one was unexpected. Then again, anything can be this bluemonkeystrategy.
Had splitting headache and a fever I estimate of 38 degrees in school today. First intake of two pills sustained me for the useless lessons of the day. Then it wore off. Resulting with Head-desk during the classes I CAME TO SCHOOL FOR (the actually useful lessons dammit). Second intake of two pills took effect after the Headdesking and sustained me till evening. Taking the pills can make me feel good and perfectly healthy for about four to five hours then I crash. I can only take them once every six hours — do the math, that leaves me with an hour of @#$%^&!!
***
I crashed.
Holy monkey, 39 degrees celsius. The worst torture for having a high fever is to take a cold shower, the water will feel extremely cold and leave me shivering. But hey, if i can lower my temperature to 38 why not >< I think my mental strength and endurance has weakened last year where I showered till I reached 37. I think this seemingly effective way, is probably damaging and unhealthy ><
Third intake of two pills got rid of my fever and feel normal for the night
***
I think I have become over-reliant on pills. I should go back to my old method of loading myself with a lot of water and juice. I’d take tea, but Lent la ><
I am going to detox self and not touch the pills for a long while in case I kill my kidneys/liver in the long run. I’m getting used to the leg pain enough to live with it anyway. Better my leg than my kidneyliver. Hrm, maybe a new addition to Lent, perhaps with an extended deadline. (See, I’m not addicted to anything at all. I can be independent of anything!!)
Actually, perhaps my sudden fever out of nowhere for no apparent reason might very well be due to the fact that I *have been* trying to stop since monday… Perhaps the pills been suppressing something I caught back when everyone was already falling ill.
I can smell it in my w-
First and foremost, I will say this — I do not believe in self deprivation for the sake of it or for religious reasons (same thing!) It is a bit hard to believe that “the loving God” will want you to forgo food/do things that aren’t “for your own good ” at least. Does this make any logical sense? Worst yet if people do so without focusing on God but really doing it in a ritualistic sense.
Second, self deprivation for a good cause will only be counter productive as it results in diversion. I.e. some people have resolves not to snack, they’ll end up eating more during full meals. Others decide not to eat four legged animals and will probably compensate by eating much more chicken >< And the moment Lent ends, they’ll Feast like hell. (Imagine those people whose resolve is not to Surf…-LMAOZEDONG)
Third, it might just cause unhappiness and grouchiness in people. “I want to eat chips dammit”
Fourth, MOST IMPORTANT (and counterintuitive), having a resolve NOT to do something increases the temptation to do so. You probably could spend a week not snacking with it not on your mind but the moment you resolve to not snack, the “I Love Junk Food” sticker would set your mind off.
Fifth, some are damn nonsense lah. Plain outright nonsense. Like not using MSN -_- clearly there is a practical rafflesian side to it.
******
Practical reason-wise however, here’s why self deprivation is good
1. leads to greater appreciation of what you have right now. Otherwise you’d get bored, complacent and unappreciative of whatever you have
2. sense of personal challenge. It might be fun! and there is sense of achievement when you’re done
3. Might inculcate good habit/removal of bad habit in the long run. On the assumption that you do not Feast the moment the Lent ends. Imho, this is unlikely, its like staying vegeterian after your vegeterian fasts end – people will rush back to eat meat
What should I Lent hrm. Vitasoy, tea, tv shows on my com. I’ll probably attempt one day without sleep out of reasons 1 and 2, and it will probably prove the Second and Third Con mentioned above.
And my biggest, hardest fast is secret. ( No it does not involve my right hand, the computer and my Organ, in case you’re wondering -_-)
Perhaps the reason I left ultimately was never due to stress, work, dislike of It, dislike of people younger or even parental naggery. These seem like peripheral reasons (much like inventing Velcro in the process of embarking on a Space Exploration programme) or even excuses (like how we need high salary to prevent corruption)
All I wanted was a free friday every week. Perhaps even if the stakes were raised (i.e. no testimonial, high chance of winning, presence of The Imperial Woman, scoldery by The Coach), I would have hecked it anyway.
I value my free time to spend time with my ho myself and the flexibility to turn up if i feel like it (should the instance arise) and not turn up if i don’t feel like it. Wouldn’t like being obliged or forced.
Wouldn’t have had today if I didn’t resign.
The Pencil test
Is this your pencil? Because i was thinking that this pen is self important and sensitive judging from the thickness of the pen and fine lead.
If the person does take offence, the person -is- indeed self important and sensitive.
Damn, it was a nice pencil though. Just why did i have to be able to guess correctly whose pencil it was. I would have otherwise kept it for myself and not be obliged to return it.
*****
It annoys me to find out that I’m getting predictable. But paradoxically, once people assume I’m predictable, that leaves room to be unpredictable.
I am aware that
1. I am damn good, still am, and always will be.
2. I am doing the institution a big disfavor
3. There are people who still need me there in my role
4. My premature and suddenly announced leave will cause some people to be unhappy with me
Above is an extract of my Weighing Scale in my “Brain” jotter book where I map my thoughts out in considering my decision. I left out the rest. Not quite the same outcome and closure like my certain friend (congratulations btw) had, but it only seems rational that the feeling of freedom Now trumps the feeling of freedom Later. Feelings such as achievement or closure are insignificant and are miniscule compared to the immense physical/emotional/self-time/work/parent-naggery-quota/threaten-to-give-me-a-TITHE- of-allowance/mental Cost.
Perhaps I can then hold another two months of grumbling, tight schedule, fatigue and then look to the sky in the end and tell myself that I have done my best and I have had the stamina to last so far and do my school a service. Or, I can go home, do my own things, read my books, indulge in myselftime, cut my toenails, have free time to spend eating ice cream after school. Human virtue such as service for others, hardwork and other nonsuch, sometimes just boils down to mere Pride. But a mere Lower Tier vice (together with anger and envy) cannot possibly trump my Supreme Overlord Vice, Sloth.
The sense of accomplishment or self-worth is a form of man-made compensation when we know we’re not getting anything in return. The sense of long awaited closure also is over-rated once it actually arrives.
But because I am extremely grateful/thankful to Someone Above for not making things difficult for me, I will still show up when I am free, but only for the younger ones. Well, if there had to be a big hoo-ha and a fat mess made, I would have stayed far-far-away. How counter-intuitive.
(Also because I have no one to be with on certain afternoons these days)
And it seems that someone has sand in his pants today and seems to be venting quite a bit. It’s about time. I’m just hoping that its his USUAL mood swings and will be fine tomorrow. (See, I AM optimistic) I was intending to help out after school but since I would prefer to stay far away from mad people — I decided to go home.
In my head while looking at a junior-who-left-early:
I saw your look of shock when you found out you’re not the leader.
Heard your groan when you realised that the position you thought you had was challenged.
And your loud sigh when it was confirmed that someone else has it now.
You self-serving HO who jumped from one place to another depending on whichever had the best prospects,
at least could do a better job at covering up your ambitions!
What was I to do during that briefing apart from observe people (and since there wasn’t anyone nice in particular to look at…)
Stupid kids. With it coming soon, I am convinced that anyone running is either an idealistic MORON who thinks that mere students can really Change something or a self serving ASSHOLE who is there for the awesome CV and power since with Great Responsibility Comes Great Power!Or BOTH, in which case, doom. Of course, they’re all efficient and essential and they do a lot of hard work for us and get things done though (but God looks at the heart~) While I have faith in my peers (since I trust people I know), somehow I am of little faith for the year to come (since i think that they ARE both of the above).
Can’t seem to understand why people will want leadership and responsibility for the heck (the feel good) of it. Its trivial, at least especially within the institution. Everything will disappear soon eventually. How can people call me the shirking of responsibility childish when the mindless urge for responsibility to satisfy one’s ego seems more childish.
Or at least ridiculous?
Then there are the days when I wake up and I’m plain high happy regardless of the workload.
Perhaps it might, just might, be due to my new found confirmed freedom after the Final Day for Submission — though i will come back as i please, occasionally, if i’m free, without obligation, only because I feel grateful (and I like 14 year olds more than 17 year olds)
There must be a reason but I can’t seem to find it. Not like there’s been any change in habit or sudden recent event (unlike a certain friend of mine, congratulations btw)
Three days so far. The darker side actually expects myself to crash soon. My belief that “Everything is temporal” seems permanent so far..
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