You know that feeling — when that person whom you secretly liked for a long time actually wanted you as well — except this realisation comes only after you’ve completely moved on from something so unknown and uncertain. Such misfortune — it can only be a mindgame.

And the most perplexing thing is everything that went on in your head when you found out. You never expected the sentiments that you did actually feel. You try not to think about it but it comes back later as you are on the way home before you board the train and as you leave the station. Everything from a distant past comes back to you vividly — how it was so close, yet so far. How it was such a pity. A part of you demands to know why you didn’t have this knowledge beforehand – before you made a choice hastily. Another part of you is simply not sure whether you should have known at all. Probably better if you never didn’t find out. It would have never been part of your reality if it never reached your ears.

You look back into the past and try to recall the day you made a decision to move to a new place after much waiting, a difficult decision as you waited in ignorance. You cannot help but to ask yourself what if you knew then, what if you had more information then, where you can put your choices side-by-side?  It was hard to be objective under a time constrain. Plus, how could you weigh the merits of your choices properly when one of the choices are already certain and the other is still ambiguous? It was a weighted debate. Then the scary question comes — had you known earlier, would you have made the same choice you did back then? A voice in your head tells you that you made your choice just because one was more certain, one came first and all you wanted was the security above anything else.

Your mind actually wanders far enough to see if there is even a glimmer of possibility that you could change your path back later on in life. Nope, not a chance. There is that overseas factor which is a bother and there simply is no time to.

The father would say that you don’t choose your destiny, your destiny choose you. If you had a choice, it wouldn’t be destiny anymore. The mother would beg to differ –the paths you choose decide your destiny. Both are right of course, but  neither philosophical opinion actually helps you at all -_- Who knows what new things the future holds but God? What different endings may emerge based on different paths? What are the different results if we did things differently in the manner of alternative history? What the hell.

You don’t care to think about it and don’t dare to think about it.

After all, you’ve moved on and you’re very satisfied for now at least. You go through a barrage of reasons re-affirming your decision and they all outweigh those from the alternative ending. It’s almost the sour-grapes coping mentality that some of your ambitious peers have (i.e. not get something then say it was probably sour anyway) — but its quite different of course. Your subconscious and conscious mind are both biased, not wanting to be wrong or wanting in a hopeless situation anyway.

The fact of the matter is that you’ve picked your path and moved on already.You’re already happy and that’s all that matters. The grass is greenest and will continue to be the greenest on your side.  Life goes on, as some broken recorder would say — you’re going to go home and sleep for the next day.

It’s all a metaphor, of course.

Or at least, it’d better be.


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