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In my three and a half days of post-exam life so far, I have packed my schedule to the max.
Numbers-wise, I have met 13 people in four days – and that’s not counting those with no ‘in-depth meaningful catchingup/conversation”. And for at least the next six days, i’ll be continuing to meet one person a day – not including work lunch hour.
Of the people I met, only five I see regularly. The rest (around ten) I have not met for months
I have had time to spend the afternoon reading — I even had time for literature. I had an afternoon where I (with some regret) splurged my time on racking my brain, instead of reading existentialism. And I had an afternoon where I initially planned to read about decision making, but quite gladly spent my time at the tea party instead (giving a double treat -_-)
And call me greedy, but I still feel like I have not enough time. There is still a handful of people whom I have not met – and probably won’t be able to till at least two weeks time. There are people whom I wish I could spend an entire afternoon/night with. And I haven’t had time to watch any tv show/movie on the com yet.
what a case for being a time miser – where waiting time is used for writing all these/reading.
At least i’m enjoying myself – for now.
“This one question — “what do I know for certain?” — is tremendously powerful. When you look deeply into this question, it actually destroys your world.
You come to see that everything you think you know about yourself, everything you think you know about the world, is based on assumptions, beliefs, and opinions — things you believe because you were taught or told that they were true.
Until we start to see these false perceptions for what they really are, consciousness will be imprisoned within the dream state.”
-Adyashanti
***
In my fatigued and hazed state, there are two things that I know for certain off the top of my head:
1. Mangoes are tasty – at least the sweet ones that come nice and cold right out of the fridge.
2. I haven’t had any mango tonight ):
it’s 2am. I just went to bed three hours ago after having a long day out. and hell, these fucking mosquito bites wake me up.
for some reason, in my supposedly sleepy state, i am able to kill three in five minutes – all of which have fresh blood. more specifically, MY fresh blood.
there is a lot more murderous intent in killing mosquitoes as compared to eating meat imho.
How very un-zen. FOURTH ONE.
Exams are finally over
leaving me with books to read, shows to watch, movies to watch, skills to learn, languages to learn (?). people to meet, lots of people to meet. food to eat. Somewhere in there there’s routine exercise also. oh, and food to eat.
And what did I decide to do?
continue working – which takes up, including travel and preparation time approx 12 hours a day. 60 hours a week, for three week = 180 hours.
looks like i won’t have time to play pokemon black and white. OHWELL. (this is probably one of those things that i can procrastinate for a freaking DECADE)
*
what a long day. More about my intense exam preparation some other time.
While running (again) this morning, I paused to admire the flurry of yellowed leaves floating gently into the cyan canal water. The shadows of leaves surrounded me without touching me. Amidst the breeze, I felt the beauty of nature and pondered to myself:
“Why the hell is the canal water freaking CYAN these days???“
Ah Jewrong – where Lakefront meets Industrial estate.
I feel like I just recovered something which has disappeared from my life for quite some time. And it is crucial to the point that it affects the way I think, function and perceive things. It makes the difference between the striver and the skiver.
I finally started running again. Since that heart pain incident about more than a month ago, I stopped running. But as I hit a damn low point of confusion, sluggishness and plain too-many-things-happening-at-once, I finally decided to get out my red Forging Ahead and run to Chinese Garden.
Not wanting to over-exert myself like last time, I ran slowly instead of whimsical successions of sprints. Running slowly is a lot more boring, and for some reason, leaves my knee with a slight ache. But overall, I feel like I have regained my fighting spirit.
In the weeks leading up to the exam, I have been plain unproductive – which was a demotion from being a skiver. I used to skive, but at least I was efficient then. The past few days, even one or two days before a paper I haven’t studied for, has just been full of ennui.
Running seems to have rewired a lot of things and cleared my mind. It’s as if I went through the jumble in my mind, and made snap decisions organizing and prioritizing everything from administrative burdens, personal life and the lingering Last Paper.
I expect tonight to be far more time efficient, since I now actually have a clearer idea of all the things that need to be done. Maybe I’m just writing this in a runner’s high – but it feels good to have gone running again. It feels good to be this character again – all the way down to the efficiency and time-miserness.
It is important to live in the moment and rest and relax etc etc – but when it starts to feel weak, feeble and plain whiny, that annoys myself. And something ought to be done to fix it.
Yes and even writing this post is deliberate and without much waste of time. The first thing I’m going to do – is counter intuitively – to pack the mess of law readings in my room. We’ll see how long that takes.
It’s good to be back. Not a second to waste.
Christianity is a religion which punishes thought crime. Belief seems more crucial than deeds – and the majority of the population in Hell probably consists of non-believers more than murderers, rapists etc (I’m not sure how that makes sense).
But to vent a bit (and have a blogpost more interesting than one about an emma watson lookalike), what is my biggest sin?
I want to be God.
If I had it my way, I would be God. Because if I were God, I could have it my way.
And here’s the worst part: it’s not even for selfish petty reasons of loving power. It’s for all the GOOD reasons – like healing limbs, fixing eyes, actually feeding the hungry – and some systemic changes. Sounds like a less helpless and futile version of humanitarian jobs. But it’s a human sentiment that results from a feeling of helplessness. It’s just whether you acknowledge it or not.
There is probably no greater blasphemy. How could thoughts of murder or plain lack-of-faith-due-to-lack-of-evidence compare to this?
But the reality is – I’m not God, and I (probably) will never be.
What else could I do?
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